Headlong: Models of Perfection

In the realm of physical science, there are four known forces: The electromagnetic, gravitational, and strong and weak nuclear forces. In the realm of human existence however, things are not so simple. There exist physical drives, such as for food and shelter; mental drives, such as for knowledge and practical understanding; emotional drives, such as for friendships and to be appreciated; and finally spiritual drives, such as the pursuit of meaning and a connection with God. One especially powerful force in existence resists total classification in or exclusion from any of these categories: Love.

 In the pursuit of love, we often either enter into a legalistic code of ethics to protect ourselves and others, or freely run into a wild and thoughtless chase of the opposite sex in hopes of meeting a soul-mate. Neither is truly healthy, for diverse reasons, but there exist issues on which these two mindsets fail together, and do a disservice to individuals in both worldviews. In both views, there are unspoken assumptions which negatively impact the well-being of those who date. As Christians, we ought to regard dating as a means to seek a spouse with both intentionality and flexibility, such that a mutual agreement of relationship status is affirmed, in contrast to recreational dating.

If love is considered a universal ideal, different only in cultural and demographic interpretation, then the question becomes how the society in which we find ourselves alters its perceived definition. Usually this can be easily discerned through media, such as the “love” portrayed in many Hollywood productions and celebrity magazines, but it is often subtle, even imperceptible in attitudes and mental states by way of unspoken assumptions. One of these hidden assumptions is that going on a successful date is declarative of immediate couple formation and commitment to the other individual. This is inextricably tied to the second assumption; dating multiple individuals for any length of time is purely recreational and indicative of moral corruption, i.e., “playing the field.”

A more personal assumption transcends the other two. While exceptions exist, most people take the full responsibility of finding a spouse upon themselves alone. In every mind, a subconscious image of the ideal companion is formed. If a person considers another romantically interesting, it is because that person exhibits many of the traits embodied in that ideal image. It is easy for an individual to stop dating the person, and replace them with the image in his mind.

These assumptions are not unique, but rather held by many, even in diverse mindsets. Two main worldviews on dating are held by the Christian community. The first is that of Courtship. In a courtship mentality, once a first date has been successful, the individuals are to pursue each other without reservation or vacillation, because they are expected to have already known each other on a deep level. The second mindset is Carefree. In a carefree mentality, the scope of God’s sovereignty is extended to the point that individuals have little responsibility for who they date, under the pretense that God will bring them together if they are meant to be. Each mindset lacks qualities essential to the healthy development of romantic relationships.

In viewing dating as a strict courtship fashion, the parties involved are coerced into a relationship that has yet to be assessed, through the pretense of thorough foreknowledge. However, in viewing dating in a carefree fashion, the parties involved tend to find themselves influenced to further their relationship without knowing enough about each other, due to social pressures such as reputation and perceived idealism, encouraged by a blind spirit of euphoric passion. Essentially, the problems are the same: the individuals engage in a relationship for which they are not prepared, and feel socially obligated to continue, either by traditional or emotional expectation.

The personal assumption of an ideal mate is enormously impactful to the success or failure or romantic relationships. If dating is continued blindly, the members involved can slowly cease to see the person they are dating and rather the ideal which they desire. The coexistence of these silent societal assumptions hastens the downfall of many romantic relationships and contributes heavily to the emotional and mental damage dealt to people after suffering a subsequent breakup. Unrealistic expectations of a potential spouse pervade the minds of those who enter romantic relationships, regardless of whether or not they are conscious of these idealistic images.

The result of these hidden assumptions nearly always is acute emotional distress and disillusionment with the concepts of romance. Hurt individuals are more likely to exhibit insecurities in future relationships, manifested in the form of jealousy, suspicion, and a clinging urgency to be involved in even the most trivial aspects of their companion’s life. Just as serious is the issue of how the damaged person approaches future love interests. 

Both worldviews, courtship and carefree, degrade the sanctity of the romantic heart by forcing immediate action. When a pair of individuals is coerced into becoming a couple by society, be it in the context of courtship or of a carefree style, they surrender a portion of their heart to the one they are with at the time. Courtship advocates often claim that this is nearly impossible to fall into under their approach, but in reality, the model of courtship encourages immediate devotion to someone unknown, allowing just as much pain to be caused by that relationship as one that is carefree. Champions for the carefree mentality tend to imagine that leaving one unsuccessful relationship should be easy, as there are many other viable bachelors and bachelorettes. This view is just as deceptive as courtship, for as people continue relationships in a carefree setting, little depth is cultivated, resulting in the uprooting of emotional constructs. Unrealistic expectations placed on oneself and the other are nearly always detrimental to the proper growth and functioning of any relationship, romantic or platonic.

The keys to building healthy relationships are easily debated; so many opinions exist on the subject. Few focus on the importance of being both flexible and intentional with their attitude toward dating. A courtship mentality focuses on the issue of being intentional so heavily that commitment is formed too quickly and without the admission of imperfection. Nearly everyone endeavors to appear a better person than they are, and though this is natural and expected, it can be a hurdle to the formation of accurate perceptions in other individuals observing. Honesty and straightforward understanding of human imperfection ensures that each person dating has a better sense of who the other is. This comprehension need not be voiced, but rather in the minds of each individual. In the throes of a crush, we may become so infatuated with the person we see that we forget that each person is only human, and prone to error. When this is taken into consideration, disillusionment is kept to a minimum. On the other side of the issue, a carefree mentality myopically holds that flexibility in a relationship is of primary importance. Unfortunately, this enables people to view relationships as fairly dispensable, provided one of the two members is dissatisfied with the other in some way. Failure to act with intentionality in examining a potential spouse can lead to discontinuities in interpersonal communication and emotional compromise. When a list of essential grounding qualities or marital criteria is formed, the chances of premature romantic attachment are significantly reduced. Rather than, “falling in love,” an intentionality is established, promoting a careful, “walking into love.”

A balance between these solutions must be attained. Without flexibility, commitment is formed too quickly, and without intentionality emotional ties are bound more tightly than the heart is prepared for. In looking for a spouse, it is not wrong to date multiple individuals within a reasonably short period of time, or even simultaneously, provided that the proper mindset is held. Getting to know multiple potential companions at once affords the unique opportunity of preserving one’s heart while discerning the emotional needs one has. The legalism of courtship is banished, and the wild fling of recreational dating is put aside to make room for a mature evaluation of one’s feelings and the impact of others on oneself.

In dating multiple individuals however, the argument could be made that one would develop an attraction toward more than one potential spouse. After all, even if standards are put in place as marital safeguards, more than one individual may share desirable characteristics contained under these criterion. This is where the multiplicious definition of love is significant. While love is very emotionally influenced, it is more than an emotion. It carries a choice to put the welfare of another before oneself. In realizing this, an emotional tether can be established. This tether can afford a method of determining if one is truly attracted to someone for who they are in their spirit in contrast to more shallow interest. In the event that attractions to multiple people do occur in a deeper sense, prayer is called into play. While each relationship should be saturated in prayer, when an issue requiring divine wisdom surfaces, one ought not to rely on the wisdom already given, but rather on that which is given directly by the Father of Lights. The sovereign source of all knowledge and wisdom is more than willing to conform His children to His divine will, and in doing so will ensure that each is provided all the necessary tools to make a decision, should He not make the answer clear.

In the choices one makes, one ought always to endeavor to honor God. This means being responsible with the emotions that have been bestowed, while maintaining flexibility in pursuing companions. Dating multiple people is not a sin, and should not be treated as such, as a proper date will not immediately pair two individuals to become a couple without prior considerations. Rather, it is indicative of avoiding a “one-track” mind that inevitably leads to ruin. Commitment should never begin on the first date, and not until a mutual agreement is reached regarding the state of a romantic relationship, each party should not feel emotionally tied to a single individual by society or cultural pressures. Dating should be regarded by the Christian community as a means to seek a spouse with both intentionality and flexibility, in contrast to recreational dating, such that a mutual agreement of relationship status is affirmed. Without this mindset, avoiding the disadvantages of each dogmatic view, be it courtship or carefree, one easily becomes tied to another before either is ready. In temperance should the heart be guided, but in openness should it also be willing to meet others.